Happun: My Deepest Inspiration
by Mizuno Heiko
Summary: Behind the growing fame of an aspiring writer is a hidden inspiration... a pushing force that keeps him hoping that someday, /he/ would be back.


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Author's endless last-minute ramblings:

Hi minna-san! ^ ^ waii!! After a dear long time, I was able to post this! ^ ^ uh... this one's pretty sappy... so... there... ^ ^

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Dedication: To the two people who originally challenged me to write a fic with the said pairing, Reeza-chan and Yume-nee!! ^ ^ This is for you!! ^ ^ 

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Disclaimers: Uh-uh. Not mine. Bummer...

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Happun: My Deepest Inspiration

I sighed and started writing.

Yes. **I** write. No. Not the writing-notes and all. I meant writing poems, stories, and the like… Again. Yes. An ice block like me can write. And write _well_, I might add. Now, I am considered one of the best and most expressive writers in college. Not to mention a member of Japan's basketball team. And it's not a lie.

Thanks to him. My greatest inspiration...

Fujima Kenji. 

He taught me a lot of things. He taught me how to balance everything: studies, relationships, basketball... He even taught me new skills I never knew I had. He showed me my capacities and limitations. He showed that I could write, I could play basketball, I could do well in my studies, and... and...

I could love.

Rukawa Kaede? Love? Yes. It _is_ possible.

It all started five years ago, when I was a freshman in Shohoku High. Sendoh Akira introduced me to him, and vice versa. Sendoh was my best friend then. And for a time there...

I thought I was in love. 

But I couldn't. I couldn't love Sendoh. Why? Because Koshino Hiroaki was with him. It hurt to see them snuggle close and get mushy on each other. I kept it all inside but I couldn't hide it from everyone.

Not from Fujima, anyway.

He saw right through me, with those aquamarine eyes traveling deep into my midnight blue ones. He was the only one who was there when I couldn't take it anymore. He was there to lend a shoulder to cry on. He was there to listen to me during those late hours of the night. He was there. Always. With open arms and a smile on his beautiful face.

And in no time, I found myself falling for him.

Why? Hmm. Why would I fall for Fujima Kenji? Maybe because he was who he really was. He was beautiful, kind, beautiful, caring, understanding and beautiful. He was way beyond awesome.

He was perfect.

When I realized all these, I couldn't tell him. Of course. How would I? How would he react? Would he not like it? Of course not. He's a man. Like me. He couldn't fall for somebody of his kind.

  
Or so I thought.

Once, when I came over their house, I spotted him in the den, writing. I approached him quietly as not to be noticed. But he did, and let me sit beside him. I glanced at the paper but he immediately covered it. 

"_Not till I'm through_," he told me.

Hn. Fine. So I waited for him to finish. He looked absolutely stunning when he wrote. He was completely focused on the paper he was writing on, looking at it as if all his emotions poured onto it. Sometimes I even envied that paper. How I wish I was the one who he was looking at passionately!

I suddenly snapped out of my thoughts when he waved a hand across my face.

"_It's done. Read it,_" he said, smiling. I looked at him first and started to read the poem he made.

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For love is as cruel as life itself

And hatred just as painful

But believe that love means you

Makes me think that love is blissful.

I stared at the paper and looked back at him, his blue-green eyes twinkling. "_Continue,_" he said softly. So I read the remaining stanzas.

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But alas, what could have made me

This foul creature that I am

Now I couldn't love you

Now love is just a burden.

'Tis hard to live this doggone lie

Living it though forlorn

'Tis hard to keep a pleasant smile

When deep inside I'm torn.

'Tis hard to believe in freedom

If I'm bound in ball and chains

Restricting the love I feel for you

Keeping all the hurt and pain.

Love is just a burden

That fools do not see...

It's not finished. I looked at him questioningly. "It isn't finished yet," I told him.

"_I ran out of ideas,_" he said, looking down. _"Funny, my emotions aren't enough to finish the poem."_

"What do you mean?"

"_Well, I... I wrote that for someone. But it isn't enough to finish the poem,"_ he told me. Kami. I wished that someone was me.

"_Why don't you finish the poem? Just... release your emotions and pour it there. That's how you write."_

So write I did. I tried my best to tell Kenji how I felt for him because... deep inside, I had a feeling that was for me. After a while, an idea found its way and I started writing. 

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... that fools do not see

But what is funny is I believe

That love is for fools like me.

Damn. Sounds stupid. But who cares? I gave it to him anyway. He read it...

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"That ending was perfect, Kaede," he told me. The moment he said that, I felt that was the right time to tell him. _Go, Kaede, tell him how you feel._

"It doesn't even compare to you," I said as I took his hand and held it close. I pulled him gently and gave him a light peck on his soft lips. "Aishiteru, Kenji."

Alright. That was lame. I should've not done that. I should've not...

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"I love you too, Kaede," he said as he wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me fully on the lips. I opened my mouth voluntarily, letting his tongue work his way into it. The kiss didn't really last long. It wasn't hungry or demanding either. It was more of a kiss from love itself. It told both of us everything we needed to know, even without words. It made me sure that I love him, and he feels the same about me. With these things, I couldn't help but smile.

Seeing my reaction, Kenji smiled, too. Placing his soft hand on my cheek, he told me once again, _"Aishiteru, Rukawa Kaede."_

And it started then and there. The poems dedicated to each other, the letters, the stories... It was total bliss. But his graduation came, and so did his damned father.

I remember looking at them from afar during that graduation. Kenji told me earlier not to come near or else his father would cause trouble. BIG trouble. 

They were arguing. Kenji looked as if he was reasoning out, but his father would have none of it. After his father left, he came to me.

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"Kaede, I'm sorry," he said, his voice shaking.

"Doshite?"

He looked down silently, finding the right words to tell me the sad news easily. 

Somehow, I felt something bad coming.

Finally gathering enough courage to speak, he whispered, _"Otousan wants me to study in England..."_

"When will you be back?"

Silence again. 

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"I... I don't know. I don't even think he has any plans for me to return."

More silence. 

I stood there, too shocked to say anything. Kenji would be taken from me. My life would be taken from me. Would I even survive a day? An hour? That was too painful to bear, especially because of the fact that I could do **nothing** to stop him. I couldn't let go of him. I just couldn't...

Kenji finally broke down. _"Say something, Kaede... onegai... I... I couldn't bear seeing you like that..."_

My mind was clouding up. I couldn't think clearly. I wanted to tell him a lot of things, but I just couldn't let it out. Finally, summoning all the strength I had left, I told him, "Ai shiteru, Kenji. You take care..." I said, walking away. I didn't want him to see my tears. He might cry even more. But I know I hurt him. This is hard. DAMN hard.

After that, I never got another chance to talk to him. I've heard he left for England, and he had a great life there. Kenji...

Still, my heart belongs to him. Every time I publish something, there is something written on the first page which says, "_To Ken-chan... zutto aishiteru."_ I could never write another word if I missed that. Never.

Amidst the fame I'm starting to have as a writer, there is an invisible force behind me, pushing me into writing. And that's you, Kenji...

Aishiteru, Fujima Kenji...

Forever.

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~*owari*~

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Other endless notes: *sigh* at last! ^ ^ woohoo!! a finished fic out of my burden... ^ ^ 

Kindly review!!! ^ ^

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Disclaimers yet again: Sadly, still not mine. I'm just borrowing these bishies to express my deepest thoughts and other ramblings. They all belong to Takehiko Inoue.

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Happun: My Deepest Inpiration© is my very own. Copyright of Mizuno Heiko, April 16, 2003, 01:10 a. 


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